Thursday, May 14, 2009
Dating vs. Marriage
I had an interesting conversation with a member following last weeks service. She exclaimed that she is having a hard time dating, in which I replied "I am against dating!!". She seemed puzzled. I threw it out for conversation because I am still forming my thoughts on this subject, but the more I think about it, what is spiritual about dating in our contemporary context? Do we have the wrong premise for this ideal? What is the difference contemporarily between dating and marriage? Are expectations the same or different? Is dating a biblical prerequisite for marriage? Let me hear what you think....DrCEGJr
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Dating is a way of sampling the merchandise before you make the purchase. Afterall who gets married to get divorced? But why is that even a consideration if one understands the intent of marriage(Gen 2:18; Gen 2:23-25;Matt 19:4-6)? There is no reference to dating in the bible. How did our culture stray so far away from the Word? Truth be told, if most Christians can't trust God to help them in there daily decisions why would they trust Him to pick their mate? It takes a great level of faith to believe that God has our best interest in mind and He knows more than we do. Besides doesn't our culture shun arranged marriages? We want to date/marry the person of our choice and hope that God will bless it, but just in case He doesn't we have the prenup (if we can afford it) or the divorce arrangements already set aside. Why would He bless what He did not purpose to be so? Are His ways not perfect? When we are not seeking to know His ways then we are likely to settle for less than what He has for us. Some date casually to fill a void(s) or buy time until the "right one" shows up. But if you are not seeking God's direction how will you know when they do? God's order of marriage is not based on feelings, bank accounts, physical beauty, or any of the "other ideals" people use as guidelines to determine their mate. That may work if one is not a believer but for the believer it should be centered around His perfect will for our lives. Which we can only come to know through a relationship with Him cultivated through us seeking Him( Matt 6:33). He wants to make us whole in Him so that when the time is right, 2 spiritually whole beings can come together instead of spiritually fragmented ones (1+1=1; Matt 19:5). After all God is Spirit(Jn 4:24) and they that worship Him must do so in spirit and in truth.
I think sometimes people treat dating like grocery shopping--what looks good and is appealing is what I take home. And maybe to some extent that has value in terms of deciding what works for you. But I believe that the right person comes into your life when you are ready for him/her. If you are in a lot of debt, or financially unsound, if you still have abuse issues, childhood traumas, daddy's girl or momma's boy syndrome, then it's not time to bring someone into that dysfunction. However, if God has healed you, and you have matured in life financially, educationally, spiritually, etc., then you're at the point of allowing someone else to experience the overflow.
It's odd that you say you are still forming your thoughts on dating. Aren't you a single man in today's society? What is it like for you?
But to answer your question, dating is less committment. Marriage is the ultimate committment AND most people who jump into take the committment too lightly. Which I think is a sin!!! Am I wrong about that, Rev? I hope you answer both of my questions in the comments.
While I find your post rather interesting, I am not sure if I understand your question. Are you saying it is scripturally wrong to date or that Christians should have arranged marriages?
Personally, I have never been really big on dating. And that means I have met guys and we hang out and spend time together but none of them felt like the one. I believe that people (Christians) should go into a "friendship" with few expectations of marriage. Just hang out and get to know the person. If God reveals to you that he or she is the one, then wonderful. I believe people make their mistakes when they anticipate where something might go or what they want it to do. Instead, they should attempt to be led.
I could go on and on about this--which is my I have my own blog. But it's an interesting topic. Deep down, we all know the reason relationships have deteriorated over the course of time.
Interesting blog as I had a similar conversation with someone earlier this week. I can agree with the member that you mentioned in your comments. I am not married, but have been dating the same person off and on for a few years now. I can say that I am somewhat of a traditionalist when it comes to finding a mate. But, I have recently learned not to “look” for that companionship as I will potentially set myself up for disappointments. If it’s meant for me to be with that special someone, it will happen. I used to be very impatient about dating.
During the time in which I have dated this person, off and on, I have learned many things and have observed some habits that I would not necessarily put up with, if we were married. Sometimes you have to test the waters to see if this is the person that you should be with, for the rest of your life. I think people place so much emphasis on “getting married” and totally lose sight on the foundation of marriage. As the previous post states, “(Christians) should go into a "friendship" with few expectations of marriage”. I’m learning more about myself as I continue to build my relationship with Him. In every relationship, there are momentary lapse in judgment and setbacks, but personally, dating helps me to weed out those who are in my life for a season. I’m not big on dating now as I was in college, partly because of the expectations that are associated with dating. Most recently, I learned that not everyone is set out to be who you think they are. Since I’m not well versed in the Bible, as I’m still growing in my relationship with Him, this is my reality.
It is my belief that even before we begin dating we should seek the approval of God. We should first ask God to prepare us for the journey called "dating" and ask Him a personal question, "Lord am I ready for the journey and what you allow to take place and who you will bring into my life?" Notice I keep stressing what He/God will allow or do. That's the main focus, for His will to be done. Once we diligently seek God and listen for His "loud whisper" we take all of the "guessing out of the picture and we can rely and take comfort knowing that God has control over the sistuation. If we can sincerely and honestly seek Him and trust Him in our pursuit to marriage, dating won't seem like a "chore" but journey and a period of growth, reform, renewal and new beginnings.
There is a distinction between dating and marriage. As stated, the Bible does not talk about dating. During that time period, it was part of the culture to have arranged marriages. Regarding our culture, we do not practice arranged marriages so it is essential to go through a dating process. Now many people may get caught up in the word "dating", but regardless of how you word it, there is a process between friendship and marriage. Individual's should date to marry and not just casually date. Now does everyone do that, No! But that it the primary reason for dating. I am not arguing that the average person is right about how they date. Many do treat their relationships before marriage as if they are already married. I am simply suggesting that there is a middle ground between friendship and marriage. This can be called engagement, special friends, significant other, etc. This process does not have a time frame as well. It could be from a month up to years, it all depends on the couple.
Casual Dating Defined: (About.com)
An interaction between two people who are looking to get to know one another better, without commitments or promises.
Casual dating may or may not involve sex, but **(its primary purpose is to determine what kind, if any, relationship will blossom.)
You asked what is spiritual about Dating, but to ask that question, then you must ask is there anything spiritual about forming any type of relationship? As mentioned that there should a middle point between friends and marriage, just as there is a relationship building process with Christ from being baptized and being saved. Can we honestly be saved without having a relationship with Christ? Some may consider that this relationship with Christ is a marriage due to keeping his covenant and his commandments. Some of us hope that it could be as simple as get baptized and make to heaven, but we all know that there is a huge transition from being baptized and receiving salvation.
Dating is the process of getting to know someone to see if you can possibly grow into something greater than friends. How we go about this process is the issue. Some talk, chat, go/hangout to achieve this. Others seek fully committed "exclusive" relationships that progress into a preliminary marriage.
The difference from dating and marriage is God's authorization approval, consent, and blessing to to partake in maritial activities without it being sin. A marriage is a covenant and relationship between God and the two individuals. I don't believe it is a true marriage without the Lord. Some forms of dating have nothing to do with Christ just the individuals, but some others involve Christ in their selection process, and don't subject themselves to lustful influences.
Just to make something perfectly clear. A marriage is a covenant and a ordained relationship between God and the two individuals of the opposite sex (Male & Female).
Rev. Dr. Goodman,
I am a single female currently not dating (purposefully) for the reason of trying to listen to what God's direction is for my life. My opinion is that dating can complicate matters when you are looking or searching for something or someone to complete YOU but male-female friendships are essential for social growth and maturity. While I believe that God has that special someone out there for me, I also believe that he puts people in your path for a reason. The question is....how do you know which person is the ONE? Especially if you do not allow yourself to meet and socialize with members of the opposite sex? Whenever i meet a man, i.e in the grocery store or while dining alone, everyone seems surprised when they find out my status! They kinda make you feel as though you are a freak! I sometimes question myself. But I do pray that my, "person" finds me, I just don't want to continue to go through the riff raff! So how do you do it......?
k
well... everyone is giving you suzie saint answers... I will give it raw... the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... I have been through a couple ungodly relationships and they always end up in the same place. first off, you end up in sin because you give yourself out of covenant. secondly because you are looking for someone to please you or complete you...it ends up as a distraction in your relationship with God.
I learned that God's idea of marriage and ours is not the same. God marries people for building of the kingdom of God. He will lead you to that person. He also trains you and prepares you for the journey...IF YOU LET HIM... marriage is about a covenant between a man, a woman and God. dating is about getting a good feeling on a regular basis. marriage does not feel good all the time, yet you are still committed to it. allow God to choose your mate and it may not be easy going, but it will be a blessing to both you and the kingdom of God. when God chooses your mate, He will also give you a non sinful means of getting to know that person which may not be contemporary dating in which you would be tempted into sexual immorality. we are to come into a marriage pure before God and man.. if you have already lost your purity physically, God will restore it spiritually.. marriage should be an extention of your relationship with God. it should be about taking care of that other person, not what they could be doing for you.. (I have been taught these views by God, I have not always believed this way..)
I think people take the spirituality out of dating. Dating can be spiritual if you are both participants in the dating/relationship process. You can help each other grow in Christ by adding a spiritual database to the relationship. There are many faces of dating. Dating can be spending time with someone like going out to the movies, shopping, to dinner etc. Dating can also be a courtship example: Janet and Francis are dating. For me dating is important because I view it a component of a relationship I view dating as an act. We have the wrong premise for this ideal because dating is not just sampling the product before you purchase. It is getting to know him/her on a personally, financial, spiritual and mental level before you commit to move on to a relationship or marriage. You learn about bad habits, pit peeves, their relationship with their family, how they view life, how the cope and their values. Dating should carry over into your marriage; if you’re single dating becomes a component of a potential relationship which could lead to marriage. The difference between dating and marriage depends on your status (Single or Married). Being single you have the option to date hence get to know various people, being married dating becomes an on going event to strengthen the marriage. I don’t believe dating is a biblical prerequisite for marriage but forming a relationship and courting/dating someone before marriage is a prerequisite for me. I’m currently involved in a friendship that has developed into a wonderful friendship with the potential to become a great relationship we have yet to incorporate the dating aspect in our friendship due to distance and busy schedules but the possibility for dating to enhance our friendship and grow a relationship is there. I am seeking God to move in our relationship if that is what he has for us but in His time not our time. Dating is an act that can enhance a friendship/relationship. For me I want my mate to be my best friend, my lover, my prayer partner, my motivator, the head of the house, and the one who lifts me up and also dates me throughout our marriage and vice versa.
I couldn't have articulated this any better than what was expressed by “susanf1” & “khoward”. Unfortunately, we live in a culture that has blatantly ignored God’s desire and endorses sex outside of marriage. But, I wrestle with this all the time. How does one get married without test-driving the car? My recent lapse in judgment is helping me to realize that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. That “good feeling”, as mentioned in the previous post, isn’t always good, yet can lead you down a path of destruction. I’m not perfect, however, I’m still learning and trying to listen to what He is telling and leading me to do. Dating isn’t about sex. I’ve learned that it’s about growing together and being able to handle what comes along the way.
Dating is not mentioned in the word of God. In many of the examples given to us, God told the man to go and take His wife. There was not much choice in the matter nor was there a period of courtship Ex: Adam and Eve, Hosea and Gomer(a prostitute), Ruth and Boaz, etc. Was marriage, according to God's word, meant to be so complex? He who findeth a wife findeth whats good and receives favor from the Lord.(Proverbs 18:22;Pro 5:18;Pro 31;10) It is not good for man to be alone, I will create Him a helpmate suitable(perfect) for him(Gen 2:18). There is a reason why Adam was not given a choice, who knew better than God(creator) what was suitable for Adam(created). Times have changed but God's word and His standards have not. If God was able to fully led the saints of the Ot/Nt in the direction in which He desired for them to go, is He not able to do the same for us? If we allow Him? In order for us to have the type of Marriage that God has ordained it has to be done according to His standards and not our own. He desires to get the Glory out of every believers life, married or single. If we are walking with Him, He can direct us (by way of the Holy Spirit)to who He has for us. We have to be willing to fully trust Him and obey all of His commands. They that trust in the Lord will never be put to shame(Psalms 25:3). That will require us waiting on Him and allowing Him to develop us into who He desires for us to be. Be anxious for nothing.. (Phill 4:6).If dating were a prerequisite, God would have spoke of it in His word. He knows who He has purposed in His heart for us, but if we don't seek His heart how can we expect to "stumble" upon the right person. Do we really think that God purposed us to sample all the wrong ones in order to find the right one, when He already knows who that is (omniscient)? God is not trying to play mind games with us, He just wants us to seek Him and establish a relationship with Him first, so that we can receive all that He has for us(through studying the word, praying /sitting in God's presence, fasting, going to church, praise/worship, fellowshipping w believers, etc). We have to recognize God's thoughts are higher than ours(Isaiah 55:9). How then can we use our own logic to figure out anything that is spiritual? the Holy Spirit(God's gift) makes known the things of God.
I believe dating is necessary to find a good mate (or have a man find you). A man who finds a good woman finds a good thing. The question to answer is, "How is a man going to find someone he is compatable with if he doesn't know what kind of things he can and can't deal with in a relationship?" I think that can only be found through dating.
The second question you have to ask yourself is, "Why are you dating?" Is it for physical satisfaction, emotional fulfillment, or what? I think some people "date" for the wrong reasons sometimes and end up in relationships that are definitely wrong for them and possibly detrimental to them. I also think the definition of "dating" is getting looser by the day. However, I also know from personal experience that if you are asking God for guidance in the relationship, He will let you know if it is one that is worth your time and effort.
God made you, He knows you, and He'll lead you to that someone you can show "you" to, and be yourself with. They may not be who you ever thought it would be. Perhaps if He showed that person to you before you saw some of the other crazy people out there, you might not be willing to give that person a chance. He is known to prepare a person for what is to come...
I agree with 'Step Brown'. Dating can be overrated. People can't accept the term "just friends" as a relationship status. Society has made it harder for opposite sexes to really just be friends. I have people ask me all the time about some of my female friends..."Is she the one?" or "You haven't found anyone yet?" Whenever I meet someone, I enter the friendship with no expectations other than to just be friends. Nothing more. Nothing less.
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